Valentine's Day: Heartfelt Fun That's Sweet Enough to Eat

If Love, Actually is the Godiva chocolate of ensemble romantic comedies, Valentine’s Day is the big, bland, yet desirable candy heart proclaiming an uninspired hot pink message. Ridden with storylines as predictable as a “Roses are Red” poem, covered in syrupy clichés and filled with enough cleverly cast actors to stuff a bright red bear, this movie could easily have its heart broken at the box office. Lucky for the filmmakers and actors alike, Valentine’s Day audiences, in the mood for love and laughs and on the verge of a sugar coma, will likely forgive the flaws and focus on the positives – as all respectable lovers do.

Apparently aiming to woo every last demographic, from fifth graders and babysitters to their teachers and grandparents, Valentine’s Day clumsily weaves together twenty-one tales of love lost, found, and rediscovered. Each story revolves around a bustling Los Angeles flower shop, but the aromatic atmosphere is a little too crowded to be comfortably navigated through. A hormonal high school couple’s ploy to do the deed during lunch, a pro football player’s mysterious struggle and an adult phone entertainer’s budding relationship with an adorably innocent nice guy are but a few of the threads that compose this wandering web of romance. Perhaps the film wouldn’t have seemed so much like a niche marketing montage of cameos had it purged itself of at least three superfluous storylines. For example, are both McSteamy (Eric Dane) and McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey) truly necessary to hook Grey’s Anatomy devotees?

Surrounded by Oscar winners and nominees, Ashton Kutcher manages to give the most convincing performance as Reed, a likable florist whose fiancée, played thanklessly by Jessica Alba, gets cold feet just hours after he pops the question. When it’s revealed that the beau belonging to Reed’s best friend Julia (Jennifer Garner) is sending she and his wife flowers, we instantly know the friendship is destined for something more. As Reed’s colleague Alphonso, George Lopez makes the word “inkling” humorous while dishing out advice as the only one in the entire movie engaged in a stable relationship.

Jessica Biel shares the spotlight with Kutcher as Kara, a tightly wound publicist whose annual Valentine’s Day ritual includes gorging herself on her best friend “candy” before throwing a literal pity party. When cynical sports reporter, Kelvin Moore (Jamie Foxx), drops by her office in time to witness her latest meltdown, we know the day won’t end until they both become believers in Valentine’s Day.

Bradley Cooper and Julia Roberts are nothing more than eye candy as passengers on a fourteen-hour flight whose cryptic conversations seem to be leading to a satisfying revelation. Unfortunately, their presence in the film is like real candy: lacking substance and filled with empty calories.

Mrs. Robert’s niece, Emma Roberts, plays Grace, a high school senior whose mother thwarts her romantic rendezvous by walking in on her eagerly awaiting boyfriend as he sits on Grace’s bed wearing nothing but a guitar. The only good thing about her story is its proximity to scenes featuring Taylor Swift and Twilight hunk Taylor Lautner ,which are genuinely amusing.

As an aspiring poet who pays off her college loans by conducting phone sex, Anne Hathaway proves an impressive voice actor adept in accents ranging from Russian to Georgia Peach. Keeping this kinky secret from new boyfriend Jason (Topher Grace), as well as her no-nonsense boss Paula (Queen Latifah), somehow never gets old.

Shirley MacLaine, Hector Elizondo and ten year-old Bryce Robinson round out the far-reaching age range and even supply subtle commentary on love’s ability to make the heart go pitter-patter at any age.

Its contrived sentiments and cookie-cutter characters make this movie more of a Hallmark greeting than a hand-crafted card, but a holiday and its respective entertainment wouldn’t be commercial if it didn’t appeal to us all.

3 stars out of 5